Friday, November 27, 2009

Our Made Up Diet Program Beginning on Black Friday

12/6/09 Update: I lost 1.5 pounds last week following this kooky plan!

Recently, I took the family photos of a friend I haven't seen in a while. She looked good...damn good (yes, cuss-worthy). When I asked her how she had trimmed up, she told me about a program through her church called Prism. I sent away for materials and had some girlfriends over to discuss it. The program goes in six-week increments, which we liked, but seemed pretty rigid, which we didn't like. So, after a couple glasses of wine, we made up our own program with rules, etc, and this was the email that resulted in that conversation. Enjoy and feel free to laugh at us!

Okay ladies, here we go, the much anticipated Kaleidoscope Diet Program. Yes, I’ve already changed the name. I like it better than the other name we came up with. XYZ, we’re basing our program on Prism, but decided that there was ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that a normal person could do it, so we did a little editing. No biggie, right?

The Kaleidoscope Program
    The 6 week program begins on Black Friday. Now black for more reason than one.
    FINE PRINT: XYZ’s birthday wine tasting adventure is a free day (as is her actually birthday for HER, should she choose to participate). December 23-25 are also free days. The program should have ended on January 15, but now will go until January 18 due to the Christmas Eat-a-thon.

    Try not to drink.
    FINE PRINT: If you must, you must also work out AT LEAST three times that week.

    No refined white flour products – only high fiber or 100% whole grain carbs for us!

    A daily food journal is a must.
    FINE PRINT: Yes, we will shame each other’s food choices and guilt each other into eating better.

    No sweets or desserts for 6 weeks, with the exception of the aforementioned caveats.

    Learn to incorporate beans or fish for protein.

    Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.

    FINE PRINT: You can call your friend retarded if she doesn’t drink water – ahem, me.

    DAILY vitamins with a B complex are essential.
    FINE PRINT: Even if we don’t lose an ounce of fat, at the very least, we’ll get shiny hair and skin.

    When eating out, aim for salads with dressing on the side, grilled chicken and steamed vegetables, or whole wheat pasta dishes. No dinner rolls.
    FINE PRINT: Every time you eat a dinner roll, Jesus kills a kitten.

    Weekly weigh-ins with transparency…that means getting our fat asses on the scale in front of each other.
    FINE PRINT: Mocking is not encouraged. Only happy words.
    FINER PRINT: Weekly host will read scripture to us, encouraging us not to be gluttons and to rely on the Lord to fill us, instead of Breyers White Mint Chip ice cream covered in Magic Shell.

The Kaleidoscope Contract

I, Chubby McChubberstein, do solemnly swear to uphold the Kaleidoscope Program for six weeks. I will encourage my friends’ weight loss goals by sticking by them through the “angry hungry girl outbursts” and “psychotic standing in front of the fridge wondering what the hell I’m going to eat moments” and will provide them with good advice and a carrot. I will not cheat. I will not cheat. I will not cheat. I’ll try to work out a little. I’ll avoid processed foods. Maybe I’ll even cook once or twice {cough, ABC, cough}. On free days (i.e. XYZ’s birthday and Christmas), I’ll TRY to make conscious food decisions. I’ll admit that fast food really is the devil and plan my lunches ahead of time. I’ll make it to January 18, a little bit skinnier, a little bit healthier, and a little bit happier. AMEN.


Mindy said...

Bwahahaha! This is great! I totally need to hitch a ride on that wagon! ...but like always, I run too slowly. My chubby legs wont take me any faster. ;)

Ashley said...

Why do I love you so much? You have to have caveats or there's no way you'll stick to it. You're a wise woman Ms. J.

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh my gosh. This was SO funny. I could not stop laughing. Love, Chubber McChubberstein
PS Jesus kills a kitten! OH MY GOODNESS! I feel like I want to go wake my husband up and make him read this because it is SO funny : )

Nicki said...

Seriously this was HILARIOUS!!! My favorite was Jesus kills a kitten too, lol. I have it printed & on my desk. :)

Anonymous said...

oh no, the poor kittens!

Tira J said...

Finally found this! Rock On! Chubby McChubberstein!